Quality Time

Roy’s the kind of guy who once attempted to convert to Judaism to cash in on an adult Bar Mitzvah. A schemer and opportunist, if there’s an easier way to do something, that’s the way he’ll do it. The problem is, Roy think’s he’s way smarter (and charming, and good-looking, and in better shape) than he actually is. He believes he’s Don Draper, when he’s really Don Knotts.

Making matters worse, Roy can’t stay out of his family’s affairs—he loves them too much. And when Roy’s involved, anything that can go wrong, will.

“I’m not here to make friends,” might as well be Vera’s catch-phrase. She’s so competitive she once put Ex-lax in her neighbor’s brownie mix simply to win a PTA baking competition. Her hobbies include: yelling at airline ticket agents for upgrades; demanding that cashiers accept two year-old expired coupons; and writing negative Yelp reviews.

If there was a Baxter family yearbook, Fiona would be voted Most Likely to End Up Leading a Revolution. A true antiauthoritarian, she’s distrustful of the government, corporations, teachers, adults, cafeteria food, history books, and anything that appears on television. She’s like a 15 year-old Julian Assange with breasts and a nighttime retainer.

Fiona will do anything to stick it to the man. Unfortunately, the person she ends up screwing over the most, tends to be her.

When the Baxters’ son was born, Roy named him Butch, hoping to get a real jock to pal around with. Instead, he got a 100 year-old man stuck inside a 13 year-old boy’s body. Butch is weak, crabby, most foods disagree with him, and he is never not cold. Butch is also honest to a fault. He once spent six hours waiting to cross an empty street simply because of a broken crosswalk signal.

Butch is the moral center of the family. Too bad for him (and the Baxters, to be honest), nobody ever listens to a word he says.

Sam is the sweetest, most innocent 5-year old boy in the world, who adores puppies, rainbows, and clowns. His imaginary friend Albert, on the other hand, is a psychotic murderer who enjoys mutilation, terrorization, and mayhem. Despite their differences, they’re best buds. Which is good for them, but terrible for the rest of the Baxter family.

Coming from a lineage of the finest Welsh Corgis in America, Nugget was originally purchased as an investment by Roy to turn him into a prize-winning show dog. Of course, the effort proved too much and Roy quickly neglected his training, diet, and exercise. Three years later and Nugget is a morbidly obese, wheezing, gassy excuse for a canine—more of a piece of furniture than an actual animal. Still, not all hope is lost. Somewhere inside of him, that great beast exists and, if Roy can get it together, Nugget may eventually be the champion he was bred to be.